Pinku gyaru nearly done.....

still have yet to paint.

the compulsion is strange. everything seems heightened today. there's a pressure and a tactile over-awareness. somethings become far more important whilst others diminish entirely. I try to act normal around others but in moments by myself i'm overrun.

3.15 am

it's 3.15 am and i am overwhelmed by the desire to paint, to create, to remember. I will sit on the porch with a cup of tea and recall the overwhelming of my tactile senses.

another restful night...

not. spent it in agony from my back again - why? idk, until i just threw in the towel at a lil past 4am and took a vicodin. woke up on the floor with minute sto get my arse in gear and out the door to catch the bus for work this morn. so here's hoping it goes better tonight. I might also re-locate to a tumblr account since I'll be playing with one for work.....?

painting update.

why do i spend hours at the studio when i have other thins i should be doing? ahhgh.

sundays are strange

Wish my evening could have gone like this....(photo actually taken few days ago). Ya know, late but laid back night at the studio...... I just cannot get enthused about my videography class. so instead i made my bento and one for a friend for tomorrow/ today. They are a 'little' more extreme than what I normally do (i mean my rice looks like a panda....?!) but it was fun and calming? idk. i find cooking to be relaxing and it fulfills some domestic goddess anxiety i have. anyways - uber-kawaii lunch of nutritious goodness to fight off an-anticipated-evil monday.

lunch for my mate, same as mine really but more (might be part dinner for her).

-tempah thats been brushed with some soy sauce and sprinkled with some ground ginger and baked.

-sesame carrot 'salad'

- tempah, grape tomatoes, sesame seeds, and green onion sauteed in sesame seed oil with a 1/2 tab of butter a bit of rosemary and a secret ingredient. 

....so most of this i have never tried before/ made up on the fly. feel like i'm turning my mate into a guinea pig..... so i included some green tea candies and 2 usagi-apples.

procrastinating......

I'm not even procrastinating like a pro - the megalith rationalisations that involve laundry, dishes and cooking. nope. just sitting and surfing the net. i want to think that after admitting it i'll get up and get the laundry going and do the dishes and finish my room and start my bento.....and then do my work? see this is terrible. not a huge fan of sundays. it's nearly 2200 and i should be in bed before midnight but .... sleep pattern all thrown off now that i don't leave campus till after 1900 lately. it's one week though and normalcy will almost be complete..... well i'll have a car so my life will be significantly easier.

would it be silly to say i really wish i hadn't been in a car wreck last month?

ageha update (v.early sunday)

so finally got in a groove/ adapted to materials and got something laid down. really not how i planned for it to look....... guess i'll see how it goes. i think now that i've gotten this far i feel less overwhelmed by it and i can probably map out what specifically is really causing a disjoint from my original idea and see what i can do to adjust/distract from it. Ideally I will be laying in the glitter, rhinestones, etc. on this thursday.....

However the painting did fall on me today, of course on the 'bad' side of my head - one with fractures, and bad shoulder - one with broken collar bone attached to it.... so that was kind of my stopping point. reckon i won't bother with going in tomorrow- take a break from painting tomorrow and get my other work squared away for the week. perhaps I will go in early monday morning.... depends on my other work obviously.

anyways - will be excited to be done with this one and be back working on ryoma...... and forgot to take a photo of my urban facade... which i should name - 'urban facade' sounds pretty hip....

have to write an artist statement this week of sorts... hmmmmmmmmmmm.

ageha painting update. (at studio now)

this painting is killing me. I started it so i could have something very fun and different and light/PINK to play with to counteract all the intensity and somber mood of my life lately but instead idk. It has plenty of conceptual space, would play into my interest in the relation between art, sex and consumerism in japan. but idk. really its just the medium thats bringing me down. Acrylics dry much to fast for my style of painting but i need the water and polymer based medium for when i start getting into the more playful textural aspects of it (glitter, rhinestones, pearls, big-arse blobs of paint).

really i don't have to be here working so hard on it right now but..... i don't want to be at my apartment. I want to paint, it's what's important to me and enjoyable and I'm not enjoying a whole lot lately......

pout.

oops.

need to update the urban landscape too....will get on that this arvo.

5-6 hrs of work and nothing to show for it.......acrylics suck.

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update from late thursday night v. v. early friday morning

ditto.

All of this below? tech. Tuesday......late night.

Painting update

To be the 'texture' assignment. acrylic (ick) will have iridescent/pearl'd pink with pearls glitter and rhinestones- very ageha/hostess flyer which is the inspiration...needs some work. not enjoying the acrylics.

cont. work on Ryoma portrait which is going well i reckon. pretty psyched but need to get other rup to speed so tore myself from it earlier.

dinner.

Gnocchi meet golden curry!

actually a  fairly successful combination.... and means i had reheated japanese golden curry for every meal today. I'm ok with that.

happy columbus day.

wow.

WOW! I have a follower, and lots of golden curry. win!

......and now i'm coming down with cold. Sniffles. Throat. Great.....

omg.

why didn't occur to me earlier to try cutting my tofu into cute shapes? (duh!) hahaha.

p.s. painting update

Proceeding quite tentatively as i meditate more on whether i want my original vision, an organic completion that would be stylistically similar to my 'big hair' self portrait, or something more specific.....

being good may not be so good.

I was being good. I was gonna wait till my follow up CATscan to have an alcoholic beverage...... but the week was too much, yesterday and today was too much and the prospect of what could happen tomorrow..... too much. I've been so upset, edgy, frustrated and on the verge of tears so often lately. Well I cried today and decided that was enough. waiting till the 27th? with all this stress and not being able to workout? to some levels some of my problems will not be getting better soon, this year, or ever. So i had a porter and the effect has been great. I can take a deep breath, carry on, and be calm.

I could have made it the whole time - but would anyone still have been my friend? I've been so wound up and up tight that I was either down right short or alienating to everyone. now i'll be fine.

played with scale a bit today and then made a rough decision and blocked out most of the shapes  and dark areas in the background. considering how polished i want throughout the whole before proceeding too much. wanted the coat to dry down real well before i start into it with local colour but suspect my first action will be to either put in the signs or white out the signs first....idk.

super stressed. Can chase after squirrels bc no running allowed.....So im sittn under a tree hopin they come to me.

New painting stage one. Took awhile to rein myself into the right size.

case of the mondays

uuuuhgh. tomorrow will either throw me back into the mix and i'll be back to movin and groovin and being on top of it....or ill collapse and give up. lovely.

Lunch. First thing ive legitamily cooked in weeks.

re-evaluation of old beliefs.

I used to tell my high school teacher that I didn't exist. I was obviously exposed to metaphysical thought an existentialism at too young of an age. Part of my argument arose from a belief that 'existence' was in some way a collective understanding in as which you only existed as much as the collective believed in your existence. Thus the more people that knew you or of you the more potent your existence was. In this aspect I have an understanding of the desire for sites like twitter, facebook, etc. Its a way to impose your existence on others.... but it's not such a true existence because its negated by everyone else doing the same thing. Versus say if you were a celebrated writer, artist, musician....ok a celebrity but I wanted an example that was less tawdry than tabloids. But tabloids do shove another's existence into our lives - everyone in the US has a vague idea of who Lindsay Lohan is and what she's up too. Well, my point is I don't have a very potent presence. I realised that alot of people wouldn't have known I had died on Route US1 for ages or if ever. In some ways I'm ok with that - I'd rather have someone wondering what I had gotten up too, and imagining it then envisioning me perishing in an aquamarine toyota prius. But in other ways it kind of nails me to the wall of how little I've come in 3 years as far as success....maybe? Idk, in some ways instead of feeling rejuvenated by my brush with death and growth from the event I instead feel more oppressed by the futility and wonder what I'm doing with each day. I was so ontop of things before the accident and now I'm not, and is there a difference? I feel like I've lost the ability to lie to myself, and that in many ways has always been a hidden foundation of strength for me.

In prog. Update sent via mobile

Hello? - this was sent from my mobile, brilliant!

news

1. my youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/theesbenshade

2. was in an awful carwreck. am alive and mostly ok (broke left clavicle, 2 skull fractures, and a small collapse in lung). so no worries.