Sunday, October 3, 2010

re-evaluation of old beliefs.

I used to tell my high school teacher that I didn't exist. I was obviously exposed to metaphysical thought an existentialism at too young of an age. Part of my argument arose from a belief that 'existence' was in some way a collective understanding in as which you only existed as much as the collective believed in your existence. Thus the more people that knew you or of you the more potent your existence was. In this aspect I have an understanding of the desire for sites like twitter, facebook, etc. Its a way to impose your existence on others.... but it's not such a true existence because its negated by everyone else doing the same thing. Versus say if you were a celebrated writer, artist, musician....ok a celebrity but I wanted an example that was less tawdry than tabloids. But tabloids do shove another's existence into our lives - everyone in the US has a vague idea of who Lindsay Lohan is and what she's up too. Well, my point is I don't have a very potent presence. I realised that alot of people wouldn't have known I had died on Route US1 for ages or if ever. In some ways I'm ok with that - I'd rather have someone wondering what I had gotten up too, and imagining it then envisioning me perishing in an aquamarine toyota prius. But in other ways it kind of nails me to the wall of how little I've come in 3 years as far as success....maybe? Idk, in some ways instead of feeling rejuvenated by my brush with death and growth from the event I instead feel more oppressed by the futility and wonder what I'm doing with each day. I was so ontop of things before the accident and now I'm not, and is there a difference? I feel like I've lost the ability to lie to myself, and that in many ways has always been a hidden foundation of strength for me.

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