the dream

if every adaptation of reality is an idealisation, romanticism or gossamer truth then where does that leave us as an audience or me/us - part of a whole group of story tellers. What makes it believable, the audience's willingness to succumb to the illusion or the creators belief in the delusion. As an artist must i delude myself to share such a reality with others? Are all great stories the fabrication of the blind leading the blind?

....i think i've found were my lotus pods fit in thematically to my thesis for my show.

wonderful.

I'm so glad that my daily frustrations have decided to sublimate and become troubling dreams involving stressful family situations and difficult clients. brilliant, well I've been feeling I've been getting to much sleep anyways so might as well nip that in the bud.

Did some collages last night and some drawings. Going to post the collages. They're really quick things that I throw together as rapidly as possible - a kind of colour and texture association game for myself.

The drawings which i won't be posting presently are all studies of one person. working on my drawing skills, they've gotten a bit rough. My sense of proportion and placement seems to be eluding me so practice practice practice.

I've pretty much banged out some great ideas for my upcoming shows, so onward!

(the collages are square but a bit too big for the scanning bed and made out of magazine clippings and were inspired by the daily works of hiro sugiyama, leader of art group 'englightenment')

 

my life

I feel like I've already made sacrifices of my life choices to make others more comfortable. It's my life, I don't think I care anymore if you're comfortable with it.

overwhelmed.

i'm willing to admit to myself that while the outlook is fairly bright I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I think the more amusing thing is that I have been for some time subconsciously but I've refused to acknowledge the signs.

weight gain, lack of sleep, rationalisation, and a feeling of static in my veins. Its like a low grade adrenaline that makes my arms and back tense just a hint, continuously; and a lack of focus. Its the nagging feeling I should be doing something, even when I am doing something.

I would describe it as a animalistic alertness that you will see in creatures before a storm. The way the dog's ears are pricked, the pacing.... its a feeling of impending entrapment. You know what's coming, you know what to do to help prepare but it's a recognition that you still really don't know just whats going to happen. The time keeps getting closer and you panic with what to do with whats left of it because you know that so often you end up squandering it.

I'll do what I can to prepare for the forthcoming rains even before I hear the thunder. The next seven months will be huge and I only hope I can hold up the weight of them and reach all my goals.

ages

...since i've been on. that'll change soon, gonna double load my website with both of my blog options since i treat my tumblr more as a multi-media collage platform and this as an actual 'blog'. plus i'll be building some additions to my new website, which you should visit- here:

my new website


anyways i'm doing a little here and there before my may-mester starts up, I've got a new job along with i'll be continuing my work for the other gallery and i'm going to have an art show at the student run gallery this semester and not sure what else.

am considering a short art-house genre film project for myself. debating with ideas right now, suppose i'll post some story boards later.

anyways i'll be back to my near-daily updates and i'll be posting this to my website as well, so a tout a l'heure!


......yeh i might be wanker enough to write my film script in french, i might. maybe it will by filled with foreign languages.

i'm sorry your artwork wasn't chosen, BUT YES COME GET IT. this isn't a commercial gallery, theres limited space to store random art and the opening is on monday. its in the way, why should we have to store it - it said in the document that ya shouldve read that you're gonna have to come get it, DEAL.

this is what i would like to say to everyone whinging via facebook, txt messages, blog posts, etc.

trend....

I seem to be involved with sickly men quite often. weird trend, bed ridden and all. hm - maybe i'm the cause? meh, shrug. i'm so cracked out on redbull the conundrum of why there is both a 'c' and a 'k' in lack seems far more important.

probably is without such a mental/physical status, bc - IT AINT ME BABE, no no no.

alone

unassisted, unaccompanied, solo, unescorted, single-handedly, unaided, individually, without one's help, by myself.

I don't ask because I don't want you there, I don't ask because I don't want to be selfish.

tuesday

crit, ya know. got letter - but dunno know any specifics. credit approved, gotta take to dean? i'm just hella burned out and tryin to figure - redbull or whatever and work on doco essays or throw in the towel for a few hrs?

Spring Semester

is a synonym for aneurysm.

hmm....

have a red bull and stay up......r crash out and wake up tomorrow to th....ok, it took me 3-4 times to spell/type tomorrow right so decision made.

FCK BULLIES by FCKH8.com: DON'T B H8N ON THE HOMOS! from FCKH8.com on Vimeo.

finalement!

done, enfin

MONDAY!

Honey and Clover picture - doesn't belong to me.

Ohkay, it's already noon BUT feelin good about the day. also nice having food in the house, like not at the scrapes but like - fruit, and orange juice, and eggs I can't wait to have for lunch. WOOOOOH! Not so hungry though, hm.

Lots going on today, and the week I think will be busy but much less stressful than last, heres hoping? がんばりたい!

OOOoohhhh Kay

tired, but ready to give it my all tomorrow. yay monday

bad mood. all weekend.

RISING: Donate to Red Cross from BREEDER on Vimeo.

up before the morning sun.

wish I had time for a run. Had a possible realisation this morning whilst making my coffee, am fairly weirded out by the shrunken size of the world, i mean - WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!

hope to get my letter today

hope to do fairly well on sociology exam today

hope to stay awake most of the day.

"nap" time

...

I haven't been right lately and i feel on edge and I just keep getting freaked out by the big questions and the world and stuff about myself.

Like I stumble on something like this and it's just shattering because it's gone. september, march - its just like these moments are rips in the illusion and it's scary and it's heart crushing and it bridges the gaps of the good times and compounds them into a well made argument that traps you in it's logic and you feel cornered, and caged, and helpless and I'm transported back to those moments when I was scared and confused and doped up but could feel the pain but was to afraid to think about what it meant.

摩訶般波羅蜜多心経

today

Honey&Clover clip - does not belong to me

woke up late. had a cute lunch tho. didn't workout. didn't ace law test by far. was semi-savvy on javascript for other class. forgot sketchbook and had to go retrieve from another class. socio-review class was a waste. got a 15min nap. got a cup cake. realised that everything is wrong with current painting. got bus schedule confused. no letter. having a glass of scotch. got some kudos on bluecanvas.

think today goes in the negative column, but if this is the worst of the week - I can make peace with that.

Not up before the sun

but still determined to get shit done. hoorah.

is it procrastinating....

if it's career development?

Honey&Clover clip - does not belong to me

hehe, oops. well, it wasn't law study or my SMAD hw so.......... next 2.5hrs all work no "play".

early bird...

....gets the worm?

well, how about extra hours added to his or her day. I love waking up early - I'm so productive. 

I hadn't realised chiba had been affected too.

Getting myself out there

My art that is.....Of course.

check me out on BlueCanvas - the 'new' and seemingly more professional 'deviantart'

http://www.bluecanvas.com/esbenshade

art competition.

found one! that dovetails with some of my recent themes/direction and is local-esque (reston town center! woot!)

and I find out about it w/ 4 days to pull the work/materials together for submisison.

typical.

yeh, get that stain indelibly inked on ya, cuz you didn't look dirty enough already.

http://www.lostateminor.com/2010/05/20/amanda-wachob-tattoo-art/

+ this

+ this

uhhhgh.....have felt better.

Honey&Clover clip - does not belong to me

I could see my health rapidly deteriorating. Its all about staying positive though, right? Think thats what Bear Grylls  is always going on about. survival through pep-talks.

WHHHaohoooh.

progress

yes thats gold leaf.

recent painting

Think this is it finished - course it always looks better in person too.

to SAVANNAH!

Honey and Clover clip - does not belong to me

kind of a weird day - possibly because there was a blackout at the studio right at the end? Idk. Have gained massive weight from stress eating, face is a pizza pie and my sleep pattern is to hell but whatever. I'm gonna have my break now and go down south to see a mate at SCAD and celebrate St.Patricks day with her and a few other friends. Perhaps I'll post photos?

Would've posted some art photos but didn't et too since it was pitch black in the studio. 

whomp whomp.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honey&Clover clip - doesnot belong to me

hmmm...

don't know what my latest media consumption is going to do to my art but i think it will be good.



I madly want a show at the kaikai kiki gallery.

Go to the library....

to write law paper. end up with a horde of art books. .....yup.

not finished photo but

close-est to photo i could find. however - it can be pushed so much further, and i think i will push it that bit further.

leftovers?

...or delish hearty breakfast? oishii!

I'm def. going to go back to bigger breakfasts. This or another soup with fried fish some rice another veg or even a fruit and some tea? ahhhhh - yum.

btw the udon are in a thrown together (aka 'winging it' recipe never tried before) of kombu seaweed (removed but could have been left in longer), miso, bonito flakes, 1/2ish green pepper, carrots, bamboo shoot tofu, and fish balls. I didn't skim the bonito out much either. I also threw in a bit of pepper and red pepper flakes. It would have been better just with the addition of scallion but the only onion I had was sweet..... whomp. 

Def a meal made of 'what do I have in the fridge' because I refuse to go to the shops till end of spring break. ok, I might buy a small bunch of scallions tonight for a kabayaki donburi but seriously, scallions - EASY to use up, especially with my tastes.

love my family

mum: " Just as a heads up your fathers thinking of going to Africa again. That means you and I would be moving you out of your apartment. And you can't go to Australia till he gets back"

me: "yeh, alright mum"

udon in homemade broth, yay!

new painting 1

finally got the layout. forgot about the whole take the photo sideways thing.

CRIT 1: WRITE UP (DOUBLE HEADED BLOKE) C.ESBENSHADE

My painting was an idea from my professor, Ken Szmagaj about a small sketch I had done of Joaquin Phoenix form an old edition of Vanity Fair. He likened the hair as being something messy that would cool replicated like a Rorschach test, abstracted to an ink blot. I went with the idea because I thought it was a cool way to add abstraction to my subject without losing the opportunities to push my technical skill. The pose in the painting reminded me of Jacques-Louis David’s Death of Marat and I wanted to approach the figure in a similar neoclassical manner. As I worked the painting I tried to leave many areas of it raw, as I had in a previous work of a female subject, in an effort to balance the detail and development I planned to do in the face. 

In the end areas looked too unfinished so I went back in and pushed them, such as the hair. Given my original inspiration, the idea of the Rorschach blots, I had planned to keep the hair as a black, drippy abstraction. However because of it’s central location I found it divided and distracted the painting too much. I did however retain the under painting of the shirt in the final project. I feel that space has a diaphanous quality which adds to the romanticism while also balancing the heavily rendered areas of the face. I also chose to darken the background to ‘pop’ the figure further into the foreground and too remove the original drips that had gone from the hair off the top of the composition. I liked the idea of them being there however, i found them to be an unnecessary element within the painting.

This painting works towards the theme and direction of my work because I’m interested in portraiture and how the portrait works as a social element. People are all around us, all day (well - in most landscapes. Perhaps not so with the outback), however immortalizing them visually on a surface seems to change the context entirely. Narcissism, connotations, environment, narrative and how people physically perceive themselves and others (mirrors, lenses, framed in windows, framed, etc.) really come into play in portraiture. Different then other embodiments of the human form, like history paintings or studies of the figure, the genre of portraiture seems to have so much more baggage to it. Why were they painted? Are they themselves or representing an allusion? Are they whom they are or whom they present to the world. For example some painters, like Lucian Freud, really seemed to present a raw interpretation of the person both physically and mentally (with especial note to his painting of John Minton). Or in a contrasting example, Andy Warhol who’s work was all about the image presented to the world, the celebrity or painters like the Pre-Raphaelites whom painted types of women, almost archetypes.

I think this painting definitely explores the narcissistic element and the play with physically seeing, this one kind of touching on optical illusions. I think I accomplished what I set out to do and am happy with the result despite forever finding discrepancies between the left and right faces. At this point I’m not really sure that going back into the piece to mitigate them would do much other than frustrate me. I feel I would be better served to start the next painting with the possibility that I could always have another go at some of the passages that irk me.

Titles?: Because One Wasn’t Enough, Gemini, Two Heads Are Better Than One

awards and recognition

Below are the paintings I choose to submit for my uni's senior art achievement award I was nominated for. judging took place on friday and I will find out results in March. It was really an honor to be nominated and great to see the other artist's work. Some were students whom i've never had class with so it was really cool to have a gander at what they considered their best. choosing three pieces was hard and a few people said they wouldve chosen this or that to submit but I think i made a fair choice, all three have been chosen to be put on display for the uni's accreditation review happening in the next few weeks.

Happy Valentines day

I get up in the evening 

and I ain't got nothing to say 

I come home in the morning 

I go to bed feeling the same way 

I ain't nothing but tired 

Man I'm just tired and bored with myself 

Hey there baby, I could use just a little help 

You can't start a fire 

You can't start a fire without a spark 

This gun's for hire 

even if we're just dancing in the dark 

Message keeps getting clearer 

radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place 

I check my look in the mirror 

I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face 

Man I ain't getting nowhere 

I'm just living in a dump like this 

There's something happening somewhere 

baby I just know that there is 

You can't start a fire 

you can't start a fire without a spark 

This gun's for hire 

even if we're just dancing in the dark 

You sit around getting older 

there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me 

I'll shake this world off my shoulders 

come on baby this laugh's on me 

Stay on the streets of this town 

and they'll be carving you up alright 

They say you gotta stay hungry 

hey baby I'm just about starving tonight 

I'm dying for some action 

I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book 

I need a love reaction 

come on now baby gimme just one look 

You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart 

This gun's for hire 

Even if we're just dancing in the dark 

You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart 

This gun's for hire 

Even if we're just dancing in the dark 

Even if we're just dancing in the dark 

Even if we're just dancing in the dark 

Even if we're just dancing in the dark 

Hey baby 

done. i'll post a proper picture later in the week. still debating on the title,

"because one wasn't enough" kind of cheapens it I feel.

lost my ability

to wake up early. I have lost my self-discipline and pavlovian no-mind response to my alarm. I slept through my obnoxious japanese alarm for a half hr this morning. I don't mean I slept for a half hr after it went off i mean it continued to go off an I slept with it "ringing" for a half hour. This is nearly impossible. I'm very close to trying to lean on my younger-self-sub-concious and waking at 5am but thats a quick way to get a fatigue flu if i'm leaving the studio at 1am, etc.

so 6 or 7am, no exceptions? hmmmmm.... 7 doesn't seem early enough.

VMFA

no fellowship. pout. OH wells. on to the process drawings, NN webwork, sawhill web work, studying for a test, txtbk ordering, laundry and dish cleaning I have laid out for my day. Then maybe some painting.

ART

been nominated for a uni award and crossing fingers for VMFA fellowship. unlikely but a girl can dream on a last minute application....

breakfast!

My roommate mentioned to me yesterday that she wasnt sure i was getting enough protein - probs not. So this morning I made up for it and hopefully it will help me get through the day better than I have recently (I've had the worst time getting up in the morning recently) by eating a double serving of a creamy egg and chicken donburi - a new recipe I just made. Other than the rice beneath it being piping hot it's DELICIOUS and v. easy to make. I substituted a chicken breast for the leg or thigh (breast was all I had) and I wonder if I could use tofu for my veggo mates.

its working!

almost, a few bugs:

http://www.sawhillgallery.com/index.html

Re-strung my ojuzu today. Including those saucy lil tassles.

Process work for painting class. After sylvia ji's work (link to her website is in artists i like)

hm.

am i depressed or very hungry?

Bright Star : John Keats

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art-- 

Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night

And watching, with eternal lids apart,

Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,

The moving waters at their priestlike task

Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,

Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask

Of snow upon the mountains and the moors--

No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,

Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,

To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,

Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,

Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,

And so live ever--or else swoon to death. 

The Couch

is like The Bench at chisholm. No dignity when waking up there.

cold fish

is a decent song by 'queen adreena' but not how i would describe myself. I find the implication that I am unromantic to be both offensive and a clue to how clueless some people can be. Its also kind of hurtful.

Contemplating.

Australia Day!

...and it snowed.

...and I didn't wear my "I <3 Melb" shirt, or my St.kilda Jumper.

...and I didn't make it to Jack Browns for coopers or even fosters.

...because I did and EPIC amount of Dreamweaver today for the Sawhill Website. Marathon epic.



so instead I wore my boxers and fishies all day and drank lots of tea and not really sure what I ate today...

itadakimasu!

carrot sesame salad, home made seaweed soup, iced matcha, steamed white rice, pan seared salmon, edamame with negimiso.

= my 2nd brekky/early lunch. yum! <3

getting so close...

To finishing this silly thing. I think I'll just hang it for a while before attempting to re-stretch it.

statement

the dreaded artist statement. If only I could get my professor to write it for me. He's magically able to articulate all the little bits of my paintings and also synthesise how they all go together. He sees the theme. I see the lil bits that could use tweaking. bah!

1. host/hostess culture, well that really comes out from my interest in contemporary japanese art that focuses on consumerism in society, including how sex and the sex industry fit into that. mizu shobai as it would be. The artists that inspired me include but are not limited to Shimada Yoshiko-san, Masuyama Hiroshi-san, Aida Makoto-san, Nara to a lesser extent, and of course Murakami Takashi-san and the kaikai&ki ki crew. Murakami-san is by far one of the most interesting. Written off as the Japanese Warhol (uhgh interview magazine - you screwed up on that one) he is in fact the one whom I think really brought the movement to an international level by recognising how the message about consumerism really needed to be decoded in that format as well. So salute to McLuhan and make Mr.DOB dolls. Which DOB, reflection of the pervasive presence of not only the West's Mickey Mouse, but more importantly the East's Hello Kitty.  Yes, Hello Kitty; you may despise the sight of her but she is so much more than a brand but the forerunner and proof the insinuative power of a revolution of cultural perception. When you think of Japan do you think anime, manga, Hello Kitty, sushi, Sailor Moon, Domo-kun and maybe samurai? Or is your first thought about troops tortured in POW camps, the Bataan Death March, the rape of Nanking and Pearl Harbor. Well, if like most you tended toward the former then that is a result of a perceptual revolution in which Japan having lost the war underwent a change to appear 'cuter' and softer to increase public appeal after the war.

2. portraiture. (Alice Neel, Jacques-Louis David, John Brack, Bernard Buffet, Francis Bacon, Egon Schiele, Tamara de'Limpicka, Waterhouse, Kehinde Wiley, ukiyo-e, sylvia ji, bei badgirl?.....)

3. artifice, which fits in with the consumerism thing but I'm planning to expand with a piece that explores what a lie looks like. Which only people have the power to lie so that could be tied into portraiture, but I want it to be more conceptual. Not what is a liar but what is a lie. White lies, evasion, with holding, forgetting, implications, deception.... a lie is 'an intentionally false statement' but we consider all the others forms of dishonesty, so does that make them lies, do we need to know reasons behind lies - does that change the severity or is "it all a lie".

4. And I've enjoyed doing some urban landscapes lately. course the one was a facade and intended to make a reference to 'little america' and ended up trying to achieve that by dragging in some religious allusions. Which, religion - one big lie? a huge sham of artifice but considered one for the moral good?

blah blah blah. I should stop rambling and approach this in earnest. in a word processor. and find a writing sample for my much neglected and unlikely to be sent Guggenheim Summer internship Application. Way to drop the ball on that one C.

dreamweaver

ok, it's still a trial and effort thing but it's definitely all starting to click in a way that it really wasn't in SMAD202. Today I had to build a one page 'introduce yourself to the class' site and I ended up throwing together this little "collage" for it:

I would've preferred fewer pieces and no cut offs but I just got lazy and threw'em all together. Anyways I feel like I've had a light refresher and after I get a few other time-sensitive assignments out of the way I reckon I'll dive into the sawhill work. Fingers crossed it all goes swimmingly.

here it is now: sawhill gallery. check back tomorrow and see if it's still there >.<

'umeda mizu shōbai' nearly done

capsicum, tempeh, and noodles in peanut sauce, c'est tres bien. especially with a irish black lager. continue to re-discover same facts about myself:

1. being severely hungry makes me moody and negative.

2. crap tv depresses me, especially when it also has crap commercials.

watashi wa anata ga koko ni shitai.

colour fixed bit

feeling kinda numb inside lately. i'll just bury it deep with everything else i withhold from the world. have inspiration for new piece. it might even be abstract expressionist. wooooooooooooh. i don't think i've eaten today. i doubt i'll do anything to rectify it. tea. lots of tea. upgrading computer software. cross your fingers.

i just adore

the people who know how to turn my frown upside down. goodonya.

thing i'm not telling anyone:

my arm hurts. it pinches, it feels sore, i feel like i have a permanent bruise on my bicep and the meaty party beneath the bone is tender. I hope it's just re-conditioning it thats making it..... unruly.       : /